I made a biscuit sandwich with lots of butter (so much that it seeped through to the crust), bacon and cheese. I set it in the cabinet and when I pulled it down to microwave it, webbing and bugs — not spiders exactly, something like large black mantises or ants standing upright — stuck to one side of it. I wiped it off and put it back, not realizing I was placing the plate right in a spider web. I took it down again and the bugs were back and there were twice as many, and a bite had been taken out of it. I was so frustrated I started crying and tossed the plate aside, yelling at Momma about it and behaving as if the whole thing was completely unavoidable.
Forced into doing a school play where I play second to the teacher’s “Sarah.” I’m meant to be the leading lady with one song where I lament about work before catching the eye of the lead, played by B. We’re late and instead of rehearsing the teacher decides to run through once with a paying audience. Outside the cafeteria, I put on my makeup and start going over the song but as it comes time to walk in I can’t remember enough of the words and back out. Flustered, I explain how I can’t bring myself to ruin the show further and the teacher steps in herself. Green screen effects are filmed on set and people grumble about it. One woman points out how the teacher’s topless in one scene (she’s drifting across the screen, acting as if she’s underwater) and another surrounded by kids squawks back at her that of all the things in the play, that’s what she’s upset about? They get into an argument about how mothers shouldn’t be ashamed of their bodies and I slump back in my chair.
I’m at a table with a bunch of rednecks who blame me for the play falling apart. They’re all in plaid and chewing snuff. One of them admits I would have been a better fit for the part. I hand the script over to the only one holding his tongue, who tells me he’s going to draw up an outline minus the songs so we can keep everything organized. Leaving, I pass him sitting at a typewriter and he hands me what he’s got so far. I walk up behind B. who’s carrying his dog Maggie, used during a green screen scene, only now her flowy red hair is cropped and white. She appears frozen in flight. He stops to chat with a woman and an old man missing his legs sitting in a small tub of sand on a bench. I stop and smile and they agree I should’ve been in the play. A large dried out insect — a bee or a fly — whines beside them and flexes its wings. They laugh, but everyone else flees and mutters how “that thing’s going to kill somebody.” We board a bus to leave, and I relax a little knowing the play wasn’t a disaster because of me.
At a school function at the same table as Trey Parker and his girlfriend. A gaggle of girls are chatting farther down the row. Students are acting as waiters and taking orders but no one ever asks us what we want. I’m given a chicken sandwich smothered in green peppers when I see Trey’s left and people are filing out. I can’t remember whether or not I put my cell phone in my bag, and since our bags were collected and I don’t know where they are, I head towards Magnitude from Community intending to ask him. He’s sitting with his arms folded and his head down. There are three boxes of food in front of him that I assume he’s supposed to deliver. I set my cash down and he grabs it not realizing it’s mine, so I shove his boxes under a pile on the floor as I rummage through my pockets. He accuses me of trying to steal from him and says he thought I wasn’t like the others, waving the slip of paper at me that I’d written on earlier (we’d been directed to write affirmations or something at the beginning of the dinner). I start retching and stand over the nearest trash can. He says I’m acting. I gag that I have a panic disorder, pulling pieces of chewed paper from my mouth, but he’s already leaving.
Outside, I wander around in the rain with my hand over my mouth; it has swollen to the size of a softball and my tongue is poking out. A blue van I recognize stops ahead of me and someone waves at me from the cracked door. Sarah jumps out so I follow her. She stops to reassure her younger sister at the bus, and when she turns and sees me she screams. [Liz] catches up to us and starts crying, pleading for someone to help me as I’m clearly in pain. A nurse pulls me back inside and jabs a needle into my jaw, three spots on each side. She leaves me in a tiny room to fetch meds and I’m tempted to look in the mirror but can’t bring myself to do it.
– December 28, 2012
I woke up with a sore jaw and my chin and lips felt bloated and hard to the touch. This was the first of two dreams I had that day, the last I recorded for the year. Here’s the second.
With classmates in what appears to be a crowded warehouse, waiting out a storm and watching TV. A bizarre movie is playing where giant bugs terrorize the cast which includes Anthony Hopkins. In one scene, a praying mantis (colored and patterned like a moth1) climbs onto a flying contraption that looks like a large broom stick and zips away over the woods, chasing someone. I look down and see a pair of spiders embedded in the crook of my right forefinger. I casually pluck one out but one is larger and very detailed – black and yellow with orange eyes. Its head and upper body stick out with the legs inside and I tug at it but it doesn’t budge. This has occurred in more than one dream and I have no idea what it means, but now my hands are driving me crazy.
