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An Out-of-Body Experience

The Brick House, as we call it, may not have actually been brick. I can remember riding the bus home from school and getting off at a friend’s house across the street where I’d wait for my mom to pick me up. I don’t recall her working then, so I’m not sure why I did that other than to play with my friend’s awesome Video Painter. But every day as I stepped off the bus, I would look to my left toward my own house, perhaps checking for my mom’s car, and I swear to this day that it was brick. Not that it matters. It’s amusing to talk about around my parents, though, as the only brick house they remember is the one beside my Aunt Elaine’s, the only two houses on a dirt road with no name that ran alongside a railroad track. I suppose I’ll talk more about that in another post.

So, the Brick House. Apparently, we were renting it from a sketchy old man who would routinely sneak into the unfinished attic and smoke cigars while flipping through Playboys. Imagine our surprise when my dad told us this while we were discussing the cigar smoke we often smelt there. I guess he thought that would explain things. My mom glared at him for a moment before launching into a series of questions like “How would that old man even get up there?” and “If you knew he was doing it, why didn’t you say something?” The only way to access the attic was via a stairwell behind a door that we weren’t allowed to open – it was full of black garbage bags bursting at the seams. There was a window upstairs that faced the front yard but if anyone had tried to climb up there and slip in, especially a humpbacked old man, hell would have been raised. Unless he did it after nightfall, in which case … ew. I was five at the time, my sister would’ve been three or four. Alone all day with our mom sound asleep, our tuckuses parked in front of the TV with only three easily spooked cats and a hyperactive poodle to protect us.

Yeah, no. I don’t buy it, but it’s been the most logical explanation for the smoke smell thus far.

I watched a lot of TV back then. Besides standing in place and spinning in circles, it’s about all I did. I would set my clock for five till five so I could catch Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers every morning. David the Gnome followed, and I’d spend the afternoon watching Captain Planet and Pirates of Dark Water (now that I think about it, Dark Water had probably stopped airing by then – I would have watched it the year before). With a few exceptions – Sonic the Hedgehog, a fluffy white cat with a big blue bow featured prominently on the cover of some kids book, Barbie – all of my imaginary friends were swiped from cartoons or horror movies I was too young to be watching.

This has a point, I promise.

I have two very vivid memories from our brief time at the Brick House. The first is of staying up till sunrise, watching TV, and my dad coming home from work and fixing himself a bowl of wheat cereal. He worked nights, and most of the time he’d come in and change out of his boots and head for bed without me ever noticing. I was too enamored with whatever was on the tube. But one morning I noticed, and he sat down on the couch beside me and ate his cereal and neither of us said a word. I was laying on the same couch when I found myself flying around the living room, looking down at myself, my back pressed to the ceiling.

Had I fallen asleep and dreamt the whole thing? I remember it well enough. My sister was playing on the floor beside me while our mom pecked away at the ancient computer in the hallway. The TV was off for once and the sound of clicking keys reverberated through the whole house. I was on my stomach with my right arm hanging over the edge of the couch, my knuckles brushing the floor, and I was thinking about my friends Chip and Dale and Zip and Gadget. They were passing around corn dogs, and for some reason Gadget was wearing a white muumuu. Golly, the things you hang on to. At some point, my mind began to wander and I sensed I was hovering over the couch rather than resting on it. Weird, I thought, before pressing my face into the cushion. Only the cushion was no longer there. I opened my eyes then, really opened them, and stared down at the room from eight feet above. I was snaking around in a wide circle with the hideous popcorn ceiling snagging my hair and the back of my shirt. I was smiling but I never laughed. I was quiet, so quiet my sister hadn’t noticed the transformation despite sitting right next to me. Too quiet.


© Lauren Treece

I blinked once and raised my head from the couch, my arm numb and my eyes dry, my toes starting to tingle. My sister chirped something unintelligible and our mother stepped into the room, swinging a heavy book at her side.

Golly, the things you remember.

Sucking back on nature’s cough syrup

I‘ve been sick for what feels like an eternity. We all have. When I was in school, I stayed sick. I was so used to it that when the coughing spells and sinus infections magically stopped1, I kind of freaked out. Being able to take a deep breath without gasping was foreign to me. But since we moved out of the shithole2 four years ago, my allergies are making up for it big time. The grass here is toxic; even the dogs break out in hives. There’s ten times as much pollen which means I spend all spring weeping from one eye, and the carpet – at least in one place – sports the ruin of one of my exceptionally heavy nose bleeds.

I wish this was just a bout of heinous allergies but oh, no, we’ve most definitely contracted the cold from hell.

I read once that honeysuckle was an excellent cough remedy. Last year, I tossed some into a glass bottle with apple cider vinegar, pushed it to the back of a cabinet and forgot all about it. I pulled it out the other day and curiosity got the better of me. I popped the top. I didn’t taste it, but the stench was enough to make me wretch. I still haven’t tossed it out, don’t ask me why.

Next time, I’ll try it with honey.


The honeysuckle’s chokehold on our fence.

1 I dropped out at 16. As a result, I got very little exposure to anything past my mailbox. Amazing what that does for one’s sinuses (assuming you clean your house which, ironically, we rarely did; I’m shocked the mold didn’t kill us).
2 My name for what’s also known as “the other house,” where we lived happily for the first two of ten years. Then things went to shit. The last couple of years, we had neither air nor heat nor running water.

Bugging Out

With classmates in what appears to be a crowded warehouse, waiting out a storm and watching TV. A bizarre movie is playing where giant bugs terrorize the cast which includes Anthony Hopkins. In one scene, a praying mantis (colored and patterned like a moth1) climbs onto a flying contraption that looks like a large broom stick and zips away over the woods, chasing someone. I look down and see a pair of spiders embedded in the crook of my right forefinger. I casually pluck one out but one is larger and very detailed – black and yellow with orange eyes. Its head and upper body stick out with the legs inside and I tug at it but it doesn’t budge. This has occurred in more than one dream and I have no idea what it means, but now my hands are driving me crazy.

– February 19, 2011

Silver Argiope
© Mike Keeling

1 But which moth? I want to say it was black and white. The pattern escapes me.

Ambushed

Staying with Momma and [Liz] in a hotel room. We get in late and find two teenage girls have crashed the place. One’s caught rummaging through a bag and tries to play it off while the other is napping under the covers. All our lights have been shut off, and Momma rushes us to throw whatever we can into the car. We start out with luggage and once that’s full we start stuffing things into white trash bags. Books, stuffed animals (I remember Pooh Bear, Chip, a Sonic doll, possibly my Cabbage Patch doll), and a lot of broken plastic toys. We assumed once we’d done that we’d throw away all the trash. A man is arguing with someone outside the window of our room and [Liz] and I crouch low to the floor as we work. Momma suddenly bursts in and grabs hold of [Liz], dragging her out and shouting for us to go. I hurriedly ask my sister if everything else has been stowed in the car and she says yes. I grab the bag nearest me and [Liz] holds on to the one she has as we race outside. I fall into the passenger seat but [Liz] can’t open her door and begins screaming as I fumble with it over the seat as a car pulls in beside us and tries to cut us off. Panicked, Momma tells us to scream to get his attention to lure him around to our side of the car so she can gun it, and we do as she says. The man – skinny with glasses and a goatee and a resemblance to Jeffrey Dahmer, may have been wearing a plaid shirt – stumbles to our right and starts throwing rocks at the windshield. One cracks it, but by now Momma’s backing down the driveway (we’re now fleeing a house on a dark street). She murmurs she can’t see out the back for all the bags and the car feels like it’s moving slower and slower. The man hesitates then heads around the front of his car.

I wake up in a cold sweat. As dry as my eyes are, my right eye won’t stop weeping. I hear the Shawshank Redemption credits kick in as I step into the hall …

– March 21, 2012

Cold Night
© Algy O’Connell

It’s my party and I’ll wear what I want to.


Image courtesy the Associated Press

• Jaw-dropping art carved from encyclopedias, dictionaries, and medical journals.
Fantastic shadow art of severed heads composed from, suitably, taxidermy and trash.
• The 100 best opening lines according to Stylist.co.uk. Looks like they forgot one –

The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.

Little libraries! If only I were a carpenter (and lived somewhere else, where something like this would take off).
Michael Chabon discusses the bias against science-fiction. Love him!
• If you’re of the geek or nerd persuasion and haven’t subscribed to the Nerdist channel on YouTube, you should. Is it weird that the show I’m most looking forward to is Rob Zombie’s?
• Wil Wheaton’s list of things every person should have.
• And I know you’ve seen it by now, but … an excerpt from Wesley Crusher, Teenage Fuck Machine.
• Francesca Lia Block is in a battle with Bank of America over her home. You can stay updated at Save Francesca’s Faerie Cottage. I really hope things work out; we’re facing the same situation and it’s enough to drive anyone mad.
Steampunk Thing! How cool would it be to have one of these attached (and working, of course)?
Here’s why Cinderella III: A Twist in Time is the best Disney sequel. I’m still cackling.
• Mark your calendars: The Wind Through the Keyhole by Stephen King (4/24), another tale in the Dark Tower saga, and Railsea by China Miéville (5/15), a salvagepunk retelling of Moby Dick.

I now have two favorite commercials …